Dear Noel,
One week ago today you began daycare, and while you won't remember this week, there are a few things I want you to know. It broke my heart to drop you off with virtual strangers. And though you marched in like a big boy and fought to get out of my arms, I so did not want to leave. I looked out my office window every other minute hoping to get a glimpse of you on the playground. I laughed out loud when I say you dumping the playground material on your teacher's head with a sand shovel. My heart nearly burst when I went to pick you up and you came running as fast you could.
I also need you to know that when you cried the following few days, I went to the van and cried too. I called to make sure you were ok, and I was a distracted mess all day long even though when I saw you out the window you were happy as a clam.
I have had to do a lot of soul searching and guilt analysis this week. It is no secret that I never put your brother in daycare. I have really been beating myself up over that fact. So here's the deal, I can't give you the same experiences I gave Chase, and even if I did I couldn't guarantee the same outcomes. I can only promise you to give you the absolute best I have to offer you at any given time and try not to make value judgements on whether that is better or worse than what your brother had.
I think somwhere in my heart of hearts I am terribly afraid if I don't do things exactly the same you will think that choice was made because you were adopted. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that you will somehow feel inferior because you did not grow inside of me. I feel deeply guilty about this whole daycare thing, if you can't tell. I guess this letter is a little bit of therapy for me. I guess I want to put into words you can understand later how I am feeling right now, since at 20 months, you are only a marginal conversationalist.
I could not love you more, son. The one thing I can promise to be the same between you and Chase is the fact I love you both more than I ever thought possible and nothing can change that. Your dad and I will always try to make the very best choices for you, and whenever I see you cry, I will feel like crying too.
Love,
Mommy
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3 comments:
You are the BEST mommy!
Oh my gosh, Amanda! You are making me cry, now! So sweet!! You are a wonderful mommy and your boys are so lucky to have you!
Caleb is now at the point where he just LOVES daycare. I would still do anything in my power to keep him home with me all day, but why would I want to take something away that he loves so much! I hope daycare goes just as well for you guys as it has for us! (AND too funny about him dumping playground material on the teacher! You will find that stuff everywhere! It was in my underwear the other day after doing laundry and I couldnt help but laugh!)
I understand exactly how you feel. I have not had my own child, but I think about how things would be different if I did. If you ever want to talk or want to compare notes, I would LOVE to chat with you. Play dates would also be great. I worry about Z seeing families feeling like he is alone as a black child in a white family. His half brother is in Rome, and we need to contact them, but have not yet.
larsen.alyssa@gmail.com
From there I will send you my number.
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